


Regret. Change.

by Cirkne



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: F/M, M/M, and its not a loving relationship, its sexual and toxic so make sure ur ok with reading, they're both legal and consent is given but its still a relationship with an unhealthy age gap
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-31
Updated: 2015-05-31
Packaged: 2018-04-02 05:24:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4047784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cirkne/pseuds/Cirkne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Use me, Tadashi thinks, and I will use you.</p><p>Or,</p><p>Yamaguchi and Shimada are in a relationship. It doesn't work.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Regret. Change.

**Author's Note:**

> Since Yamaguchi didn't go to Karasuno in sunset au his life is a little different. Here's some backstory.
> 
> ((Yamaguchi magically knows Shimada ??? ... strange))

Tadashi’s pressed to the wall in the back room and Shimada’s kissing him, the same way he’s been kissing him since Tadashi turned nineteen and confessed. He pulls at Shimada’s shirt and tries his hardest to block everything out but there’s a voice, in the back of his head telling him it’s been a year. A year of hiding in the back of Shimada’s store and their kisses being dirty instead of sweet. A year of waving at Shimada’s wife when she comes to the store, a year of pretending, a year of getting his heart broken.

He originally confessed just to get it out of his system, to prove to himself that his crush on a grown up man was just a fantasy but Shimada had kissed him and for a moment before he realized it was wrong, it felt like the best thing in the world. Tadashi’s spent a year of trying to find that happiness again. He let Shimada fuck him, with his nails digging into Shimada’s back and his voice muffled because he was biting into Shimada’s shoulder. The thing that he felt most was always how cold the floor of the back room was. He thinks that when years later he’ll remember this and the coldness will still be the most vivid of his memories, he will think it fits. It fits because he already knows this is nothing but a mistake, searching for love in a place that doesn’t have any for him.

When Shimada moves to undress him, Tadashi doesn’t say no, the way he’s never said no, choosing to pretend that his tears come from how good it feels and that biting is not a form of letting the hurt out. Shimada’s wife will call soon, to tell him she’s leaving work and will be in the shop in a few minutes so they do it quick. Quick and hard, the way it’s meant to be. Tadashi aches, holds onto Shimada until his muscles are sore and he lets go as soon as Shimada finishes.

"You were as good as always" Shimada whispers, his words dirty with truth. Truth that should not fill Tadashi’s mind. He says he’ll lay there for a bit. When Shimada leaves, fixing his clothes, Tadashi jerks himself off, for Shimada always forgets Tadashi isn’t a sex doll that can be left right after you’re satisfied and he bites into Shimada’s work apron to muffle his sobs. Then, he doesn’t get up like usually choosing instead to stay on the floor.

Except, it’s a mistake because Shimada’s wife walks in. She’s never done that, never wondered but Tadashi doesn’t blame her; there’s only so long you can take the one you love smelling like someone else.

There’s crying. From her and from Tadashi but not from Shimada. No, Shimada talks.

"Let me explain" and "he means nothing to me" and "I don’t love him" and "I just needed someone, it’s not personal" and "anyone could’ve done it, you were just so busy with work" and-

And Tadashi leaves, only half of his clothes on. He throws his jacket onto his bare chest and he’s still wearing the jeans he wears for work at Shimada’s shop.

He quits the next day, comes to the store the morning he knows Shimada won’t be there and hands the paperwork to the person left in charge. He goes into the back room to look for his clothes but they’re not there and Tadashi’s relieved. Now he has an excuse for not touching them because of how dirty they would feel in his hands. Good, Tadashi thinks, I want him to burn them. A lie. He wants Shimada to keep them. He wants Shimada to not be able to throw them out because Tadashi meant something. He wants to be able to forget every word Shimada said to his wife.

He showers for an hour and he would like to be strong enough to wash Shimada’s scent off but instead he sits on the floor of his shower and sobs, hopes that he can still smell Shimada fucking him, can still feel his hands pressing into his sides.

Use me, Tadashi thinks, and in return let me love you. Let me pretend you love me too. Use me, Tadashi thinks, and I will use you.

Shimada calls him a week later.

"She’s leaving me" he says. Good, Tadashi thinks, I’m glad she’s strong enough. "Tell me you won’t leave me too."

I already left you, he wants to say, from the day you first kissed me I knew I would leave you.

"No" he whispers instead because his body has started to forget Shimada and his muscles aren’t sore anymore. He hasn’t felt that in so long it makes him anxious. This is not how it’s supposed to be. He’s supposed to hurt for making the mistake of loving someone so much he’s willing to make someone else hurt.

They meet up again. This time Shimada takes him home for his wife will not walk in because she left and when they fuck on the bed it feels wrong so Tadashi asks to do it on the floor.

"Oh do you have a kink?" Shimada smirks and Tadashi kisses Shimada because it feels like he’s about to start crying. He finds out that Shimada doesn’t do it rough and quick from fear of someone finding them. He does it because that’s the way he likes it and it’s the way that makes Tadashi feel like he’s not worth being nice to.

When he leaves he’s crying but now he has enough of Shimada to last him for a few days. He’s a drug, Tadashi thinks, and then, I made him a drug. I made feeling needed a drug.

The memories are enough for a few days but Tadashi doesn’t get that. The next day he’s there again because Shimada called and they fuck so hard Tadashi actually comes this time. For a second he thinks he wants this but then Shimada asks him when he’s going home and Tadashi feels like a sex doll again.

Three months. That’s how long it takes for Shimada and his wife to finally get divorced. Three months. That’s how long it takes for Shimada to find a new woman. Three months. Then, Tadashi leaves. Or, is kicked out.

"I can’t let this happen again" Shimada says as they're fucking and he holds Tadashi until they're finished but then that’s it.

Two months later, when he starts seeing a psychiatrist, she tells him that people think they deserve love more than they deserve other things. That’s why they end up being used and use others.

There’s a thing. His memories of Shimada last longer than he thought and no matter how nice people are, no matter how many times he tells himself it’s different, he still thinks of Shimada during sex. So, he stops. Instead, he gives people things he never gave Shimada. His favorite book. His hand to hold when they’re walking. A kiss on the cheek. The key to his apartment. A place in his bed. Breakfast. And he gets things he couldn’t get. Love.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry


End file.
